Yes, Gunnery Sergeant! Or, How I Learned to Love the US Marine Corps

Listen up you nasty little maggot! What are you stupid? Your mama must be so ashamed.

Woops, sorry. I'm still deprogramming from my Wharton leadership venture at the US Marine Corps boot camp in Quanitco, VA. Sit up straight with your heels at a 45 degree angle and your right hand on your knee and I'll tell you all about it...(Spoiler Alert: If you are planning to go on this Venture, do not read on!!!)

Our story begins Thursday night at 2200 when we arrive at Quantico by bus from Philly, like sweet little MBA lambs to the slaughter. We are greeted by the Officer Candidate School (OCS) Commanding Officer (http://www.ocs.usmc.mil/CommandInformation/CommandingOfficer.html?WC4) who gives us a pleasant overview of the USMC and the OCS followed by Q&A. This ends at about 2330 and I am yawning and ready to settle down for a cozy night of sleep--I need to rest up for my big day on the obstacle course! We head to the barracks with our bags and are pleasantly asked to line up two-by-two in front of our bunkbeds to meet our Gunnery Sergeants.

Enter stage left 3 Gunnery Sergeants. Cue yelling, screaming, gear box throwing, bed making and unmaking, stand up, sit down, run over here, what are you looking at don't you roll your nasty little eyes at me you idiot, aye aye gunnery sergeant!, put your helmet on, take it off, turn around, what are you some kind of idiot, yes gunnery sergeant, put your mattress on the top bunk, take it off, go to the bathroom you have ten seconds, no you don't get the hell out of here, who said you could take your shoes off, turn the lights on, turn them off, when i say snap you put your eyes on me, don't you put your eyes on me you nasty idiot!, I have never seen such a bunch of pathetic morons in my life, did i say you could get under the covers?, wipe that smirk off your face right now!, yes gunnery sergeant, no gunnery sergeant, i don't know gunnery sergeant.

shhhh....are they gone? is it seriously 0130? seriously? do you think they're coming back again? did I really have the extreme misfortune of being assigned "fire watch duty" from 0200-0300? does this really mean I still can't go to sleep for another hour and a half and I have to be ready to go at 0500? why did i sign up to come here?

0200-0300: Pace up and down barracks. Yawn. Yawn. Stretch. Sigh. Whisper with Gisela. Shhh, I think I heard something. Peek into the doorway to see if they're coming. Nope, nothing. What time is it? How much longer. I'm so tired. Repeat. Wake up next shift. Feel extremely sorry for them. Go to bed.

0330-0430: Sweet, sweet sleep.

0430-0500: Time to wake up. All the linen has to be folded military style by 0500 when the lights come on. And you must be dressed. At attention. Ready for more punishment. Calgon, if you're listening, please take me away. now.

0500-0630: March. Stand up straight. Are you some kind of idiot? Don't you look at me! Step it--OUT! Lock it--UP! Run! Run! Don't run! Yes, Gunnery Sergeant, No Gunnery Sergeant, I have no idea what you just said Gunnery Sergeant! My shoe is untied, Tie your shoe right now you little maggot*! Who said you could move?! Don't you move another inch you little maggot! Get your food. This isn't a buffet! You don't get that water! Dump it out! Get out of here! Go sit down! Who said you could sit down?! Stand up. Sit down. Your shoe better be tied by the next time I see you. Who said you could tie your shoe?! Sit up straight, no backs on the chair. Heels at a 45 degree angle! So nice of you to do your hair for us, would you go to school looking like that!?! I didn't think so. Idiot! Maggot! You can only eat with one hand, keep your drink on your plate, don't you look at me! Don't you ever look at me! Yes, Gunnery Sergeant, (stick it up your ass Gunnery Sergeant), No, Gunnery Sergeant (just a bit further, Gunnery Sergeant). Move, move, move, run walk, stand up, sit down, put your helmet on, take it off, whatareyousomekindoffreakinidiotyouuselesswasteofspaceyou'repathetic, run run run, step it up, move it out, go here, go there, stand up, shut up, open your mouth, whatareyousomekindofmute? stand up, sit down, back straight, canteen in your right hand left hand on your lap. Oh, God...how much longer is this going to go on?

0645: Enter Commanding Officer. This portion of the training ends. I want to cry tiny tears of joy. I got just a tiny glimpse of the 10-week hell that is OCS training. Newfound respect for all military officers.

Next up on the agenda is to meet our OCS officers and begin a day of mock training. First on deck, the Combat Training Course--used by the marines to teach candidates how to lead their troops through difficult combat situations. The highlights:

• Cable crossing: First a single cable "bridge" with parallel cables on both sides of you. Next, a single cable with a single cable above you. Both over deep crevasses. Fear factor: medium.
• Wall scale: 2.5 story steep angle wall with rope. Sort of scary but just wait. The other side is a sheer vertical drop with a rope. Good times trying to gain footing against the wall. Accomplished but saw some others with bandaged hands at the end of the day. Sliding down a rope that far is hard on the skin.
• Commando Climb: A rope suspended over a crevasse. You must lie down on it, hook one leg around and leave one leg hanging for balance and inch along like a caterpillar. Exhausting.
• Log Balance: Surprisingly, the hardest one for me. Carrying my faux rifle was really throwing off my balance and I fell off three times before I gave up. Have yet to forgive myself.
• THE QUIGLEY: The infamous swamp obstacle course. Feared and detested. Did I mention it was 35 degrees outside? First, you must go under logs while balancing your gun on top of them. Of course, they are so low to the water that you must submerge yourself in the butt freezing water to accomplish this. Now crawl under the tape, i.e. crawl through the water on your belly with everything nose down submerged. SCARIEST PART OF THE DAY: The submerged cement pylon: I lay my gun vertically across my body, lay down on my back, and enter. I expect there to be an air pocket inside. There is not. I expect the marine on top of the pylon to help pull me through. He does not. This pylon is suddenly much longer than it looked. I kick my legs frantically to get traction and push myself through. I am still not out. I am running out of breath. My hand stretched above me finally feels air. Almost. There. And out. GASPING. GASPING. GASPING. Proud.
• Various swamp crawls, log climbs, etc. and we're out. I'm exhausted. This is the first activity of the day.

Next up, Leadership Reaction Course (LRC). In my team of 5, we each take turns leading a "mission." Each station is a large obstacle which you must move your team and some assortment of gear over, through, across, etc. The catch? You have only 10 minutes to do it, and these are seemingly insurmountable obstacles not to mention the barrel or 20-lb ammo case you must also get across. MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Having scaled a near-vertical wall on a rope, I am sitting 25 feet in the air straddling a piece of plywood with 3 of my peers trying to hoist a barrel up there with me. Feeling extremely tired and precarious, I am wondering if a) I can make it back down the wall without falling, b) how many bones I will break when I fall onto the river rock below. Time is called and I barely make it down before my arms give out completely. I am broken physically and mentally and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I am way more of a wussy than I thought I was.

Next up: Lunch. A tempting RTE (Ready to Eat Meal) as enjoyed by troops in Iraq and other resort destinations. Actually quite tasty and technologically advanced. I had Cajun Rice with Sausage and it was damn good. Each meal comes with a plastic bag that, when filled with an inch of water, heats up like an oven and makes the dehydrated goodness spring to life. My meal also included cheesy pretzel bites, crackers, peanut butter, and orange-ade. Others had such hits as pumpkin bread, pb&j, cheese omelet with bacon hash browns, and veggie burgers. Who knew? Seriously, I wouldn't kick these meals out of a tent.

The day was capped off by a panel discussion with current Marines of varying ranks and a cocktail reception. I cannot stress enough how much insight and respect I gained for the Marines and military in general, and how much in awe I am of what they endure and accomplish. Even more so, I am amazed at the camaraderie and patriotism of them all--it made me feel so proud and fortunate to be an American and I am so lucky to have such people to defend me as I live a life of admitted fortune and privilege.

Aye aye Gunnery Sergeant!!

* all instances of "little maggot" should be replaced with some other insult I cannot remember. I just so wanted to be called this that my memory has substituted this to make the recollection all the fonder...